“I WILL NEVER HOMESCHOOL MY KIDS” has most definitely come out of my house 20 plus times. I would always say, and I quote, “I will never homeschool my kids. God is gonna have to come and talk to me in his ‘Big God Voice’ and tell me specifically, because I will never homeschool.”Read More
Y’all. I’ve been pregnant six whole times in 8 years. Sometimes even saying that out loud blows my mind. I can’t even fathom it honestly. Like when did that even happen? It all feels like a blur. And right now, I have so many friends who are currently pregnant or just had babies in the last few months. Even my sister is due in a week or so. And all these pregnant bellies and newborns really just got me thinking about how much is NOT talked about regarding pregnancy, delivery and the newborn stage. I just had a conversation with a sleep deprived mom of a six-week-old talking about all things baby. I can remember going through every single thing she shared with me and honestly sometimes all you need is someone to tell you is, “hey friend, I’ve totally been there too” or “Sister! That is totally normal!!” Well, let’s be real that’s probably not all you need. First and foremost, you need a nap, a shower, and a live-in maid who’s great at cooking (I’ll take one of those please!). Buuuuut I can’t help you there. My hope is that you’ll read this and laugh, and possibly learn a thing or two if you have never done the whole mom thing yet. So, grab a drink and some chips and salsa and let’s get real with each other! Disclaimer-I’m about to get veryyyy real with you guys, so if you don’t want to know the whole truth, just move along people!
I’ve learned quite a bit from the past 6 pregnancies and deliveries. The last 2 pregnancies I went completely natural. Honestly, that was always my plan but when you are 21 years old delivering a baby, sometimes pain wins and you choose the epidural (and that’s okay!). And you can read ALLLLL the books and do the classes but I don’t think reading about labor can prepare you for labor. It can help but for me personally, I had to experience it for myself. Once I learned how I labored and that each time was very similar and just got quicker and quicker, I knew that I could do it. And after having epidurals and going natural, I’m totally pro-natural because of the complications that came with the epidurals (migraines for weeks, numb hip for 6 months, etc). But I will say this, what I chose for me, may not be what you choose and that’s 100% okay. It’s your choice! I get asked this all the time, “did going natural hurt?” UM. HECK. YES. I don’t even understand these awesome mommas that are like “Having a baby natural was the most euphoric experience and I loved every second of it.” NOPE. Not me. I mean if that’s you, YOU. ARE. A. ROCKSTAR. But that was not me. And obviously it was worth it. I did it 5 more times after my first! But let’s be real here, you just pushed a HUMAN out of your VAGINA. It’s going to hurt for a while. Right after I push those babies out and they place them in my arms, I ask for 2 things—ICE and pain meds (and that ice is not to munch on OR for my head). I mean yes, of course when they hand you that baby, the pain fades (ever so slightly) and you cry every tear because they just handed you the most precious baby that you have been carrying for TEN months (40 weeks people) for the first time. I mean how incredible that we get to partner with God to create life and carry them until they are ready for world. It never gets old, ever.
So, if you know me, you know I’m a pretty candid person and tell it like it is. If you’re sensitive, this may not be your jam! Maybe that’s why I never found a book that prepared me well enough because I want to know ALL THE THINGS. So here we go… Okay after you deliver that baby, you will have the glorious opportunity to see what your lady parts look like for the very first time post-delivery. YIKES. There will be swelling, I repeat, lots of swelling! Let me tell you, it will go back to normal and it will not stay that way!! BUT, I can remember after delivering my first, Ava-Kate, yelling out from the hospital bathroom in horror “OH MY GOODNESS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BODY? JAKE! DO NOT COME IN HERE!” My lady parts looked like the work of a balloon artist…in training. I mean you just forcefully pushed a watermelon out of your va-jj, it’s going to take a second to go back to normal, ok? Keep that ice on rotation! Then you will be handed the “essentials” from a dear nurse. A squirt bottle to cleanse your swollen nether regions, a pad the size of a fluffy pillow, and mesh panties that will double as lingerie. Those mesh panties will accentuate your rear (that has tripled in size over the last 9 months mind you) and resemble a face being pressed up against a screen door. Your husband will be totally into it. Just go with it. KIDDING, obviously, but seriously Jake and I have had countless laughs over those infamous mesh panties. And which book told me about mesh panties, fluffy pillow pads and squirt bottles? NONE. So, you’re welcome. Or…I’m sorry.
Cue the engorged milk filled boobs. I never in my life thought that my boobs would get THAT large. I can remember after my first, sitting on the edge of the bed with my sister staring in awe at these cantaloupe sized boobs that appeared overnight. They were rock hard and I wanted to cry they hurt so bad. Holy COW (pun intended). And for the record, the milk squirts out of multiple holes, not just one. Who knew? Not this girl. Oh, and your “let down” is also quite uncomfortable, it’s like when your leg falls asleep and then starts tingling and you walk all weird until it feels normal. Yea, basically it’s the same thing, just replace your leg with your boob. It’ll get all weird and tingly right near your nipples. It’s basically when your boobs tell you it’s time to feed again, although your boobs can be quite wrong. A stranger’s crying baby can cause the “let down” and send your boobs into a tingling frenzy. And I hope you’re wearing breast pads because otherwise all of Target will see you just leaked through your shirt. And that’s definitely NOT embarrassing. At. All.
Let me just say that breast feeding was never easy for me, and I had a lot of chances guys. (we will call it BF for short from here on out, not to be mistaken for “best friend” because it’s more like an frenemy in my case) Ha. Okay, but seriously, NO one told me how painful it would be! And for all you people who say “If it’s painful then your latch was wrong”…LIESSSS. Let me just say that I have had ALL the lactation consultants, who told me it was in fact correct and it still HURT. With this many kids, I really mean ALL of them. I probably had every single one from Lafayette to Nola. There was bleeding people! And black and blue colors that should not appear, ever. Now don’t get me wrong I think BF is amazing. I prayyyyed and prayed that it would work, my journals are full of that prayer. I SO wanted to be the mom that could pop a baby on and not have to worry about them unlatching. I had to hold my boob with one hand, then hold their head with the other making sure they didn’t unlatch. And it took at minimum one hour. I can remember psyching myself up to work up enough nerve to start the initial latch. I would put their pacifier in my mouth, bite down hard and let out a little shriek as they latched while a rogue tear streamed down my face (while Jake was probably cheering me on in the background). I started out BF my first 4 kids, but they all ended up on formula at some point because I had to supplement. So, when I found out I was pregnant for Isabella (that’s a whole other blog in itself), I really prayed about if I was going to BF her or not because it was such a source of stress for me. I mean how many times had I asked myself over the years “Am I producing enough?” “Did I eat something that is upsetting her stomach?” “Did she actually eat enough or is she still hungry?” I mean those questions alone can drive you crazy second guessing yourself. I remember reading an article titled “Fed is Best.” It was a great article that talked about how sometimes your milk supply doesn’t actually come in, despite what people will tell you and feeding your baby is the best. For me, I knew that was my answer. So, for Isabella I went straight to formula and it was the best decision I could have made for US. I still had four other children to care for and my track record with BF-ing was not something I could have physically done and cared for my family well. Can other moms do it? Absolutely. But for me, I couldn’t so… I didn’t. And I let go of that momma guilt (and this took me months!!!). And I want so badly for those first-time moms to hear, LET GO OF THE MOM GUILT! Mom guilt is FIERCE people. And it’ll hold onto you like a vice. Surround yourself with wise mommas who will call it out and tell you to let it go. Let’s encourage each other and support each other’s decisions without being all “judgey” acting like our way is the best way, k? We all know how hard motherhood is so let’s just support each other along the way. A mom needs all the support they can get, especially those first few weeks.
The first few weeks of having a baby are really tough. At least for me they were. I call it the “newborn fog.” My body hadn’t yet recovered from the trauma from delivering the baby and I’d be up all hours of the night trying to learn just what this sweet baby needs. I would learn their cries (hungry, tired, gassy, mad) eventually, but hadn’t quite mastered them. Days are no longer days, you will basically just count the hours. Everything will be based on their next feeding and how much time you have to do the mile-long to-do list in the mean time (when Lord knows all you really want to do is nap). I dreaded the nights. Maybe not as much with my first baby because I knew I could sleep when they slept the next day. But definitely did when I had more than one kid. Because then the option of sleeping while baby sleeps isn’t an option. I would anticipate how hard the night time would be, dread the lack of sleep and fussy moments. And I was doing all of this while trying to work towards getting the baby on a schedule. I’m 100% a “get your baby on a schedule” person. It has worked best for my family and I need my babies to be sleeping through the night at 6-8 weeks and most of them did just that. I need them to sleep through the night, because I need to sleep through the night. I’m just not a super nice person when sleep deprived.
I also realized it’s possible to feel multiple emotions at once. Like when you are sleep deprived and exhausted to the point of delirium. It’s 3am and you’re up bouncing and “shh-ing” the baby to try desperately to get them to stop crying because it’s been an hour and they haven’t stopped… You’ll probably be crying with them and even a bit angry that they won’t stop and you don’t know how to get them to stop. You can love them so much it hurts, be sad and angry all at the same time. And a lot of it is just hormones mixed in with the lack of sleep. It can really do a number on your sanity. And this is the perfect time for the enemy to come and whisper lies in your ear “You’re a terrible mom because you don’t even know what she needs. You can’t even soothe her.” DO NOT believe these lies. I tell all first-time moms, staying inside your mind can be a really dangerous place. Why is it we have a tendency to stay inside our head having endless conversations but sometimes it can feel so hard to open our mouths and talk about what’s going on with us? I promise from experience the longer you stay inside your head listening to all the negative talk, the longer it takes you to get yourself out of it. Talk to your spouse, your friends and most of all Jesus! Find someone who has been through it and let them encourage you through it (and if their advice makes you feel worse, stop listening, BYE!). Isolation is the worst place to set up camp during motherhood. And let me just state for the female record, our husbands cannot read our minds. Sometimes they may, but most of the time they do not. Which means you will have to open your mouth and tell them exactly what you need from them in this crazy time. If you are BF and they can’t help with that, ask them to help out with the laundry or cooking. Whatever you need from them, try to be specific. Jake was always really great at this, and a lot of the time anticipated my needs before I knew what they were. Umm… like the time he locked me in our room at 7pm and told me to not come out until I had slept for at least 12 hours. Josiah was 2 weeks old and probably my hardest baby. I hadn’t slept and was a walking hormonal time bomb. He knew I needed sleep. And he took the baby for the night in the guest room. Pretty sure that’s way sexier than a bouquet of roses. So, the moral is communicate with your man a whole lot and then maybe he’ll start knowing what you need before you know yourself.
I could probably write a whole book on all of this, but I’ll leave it here for now. Motherhood is the most sanctifying process ever. If you let Jesus in on the journey, He’ll keep bringing you closer to himself. And that’s the goal, right? People tell me all the time, “I don’t know how you do it with all those kids.” My answer? A whole lot of Jesus (and coffee…and wine…). If motherhood has taught me anything, it’s that I know I can’t do it all on my own. I have to rely on Jesus to give me ALL THE THINGS—wisdom, patience, strength, patience, grace, patience… have I said patience yet? But truly, He’s been so close in those moments but I had to allow Him in. So, allow him in, let him guide you and bring you close. It’ll make all the crazy moments a little less crazy and the sweeter moments even sweeter.
And, find your tribe. Find the people who will speak TRUTH to you and do it in love. Ask them for help. Take naps and forget about the laundry. Leave the baby with dad or grandma and go to Target alone, walk those aisles aimlessly with coffee in hand, even if you don’t need anything. Why does Target feel like a vacation without kids?? Get a sitter and go on dates with your husband, I PROMISE your baby will be totally fine without you. When you are still in your pj’s from the day before, covered in spit up, hair a mess, and he walks in and tells you, “You look beautiful”… say thank you! Do not reject the compliments. If you are feeling your worst, allow your man to speak encouragement over you. Just don’t forget to come up for air when you are immersed in everything baby for the first few months. Take the time for yourself and I promise you’ll feel much better. We are in this together!
Here are a few scriptures to hold onto throughout that newborn fog, when the sleep is never enough and the nights are hard:
God doesn’t come and go. God lasts.
He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine.
He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath.
And he knows everything, inside and out.
He energizes those who get tired… -Isaiah 40:31 (MSG)
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down. -Isaiah 43:2 (MSG)
Trust in the Lord completely,
and do not rely on your own opinions.
With all your heart rely on him to guide you,
and he will lead you in every decision you make.
Become intimate with him in whatever you do,
and he will lead you wherever you go.
Don’t think for a moment that you know it all,
for wisdom comes when you adore him with undivided devotion. -Proverbs 3:5-6 (TPT)
So here’s what I’ve learned through it all:
Leave all your cares and anxieties at the feet of the Lord,
and measureless grace will strengthen you. -Psalm 55:22 (TPT)
God, you’re such a safe and powerful place to find refuge!
You’re a proven help in time of trouble—
more than enough and always available whenever I need you.
So we will never fear -Psalm 46:1-2 (TPT)
Refine my heart and probe my every thought.
Put me to the test and you’ll find it’s true.
I will never lose sight of your love for me.
Your faithfulness has steadied my steps. -Isaiah 26:3 (TPT)
If you know Jake and me at all, you know we LOVE a good trip--with or without our kids. There is something about getting out of the routine and getting out of town. Jake and I just got back from a weekend getaway, and it got me thinking just how important these trips really are. I also wondered how many parents, or probably specifically mothers, won't take those trips because they don't want to leave their kids or don't have the resources to.
When Jake and I got married we talked a lot about how we wanted to raise our kids and how we wanted our marriage to look. I can remember reading a parenting book, Preparation For Parenting, and a page in that book gave us that "aha moment." Genesis 2:18 "It is not good that the man should be alone: I will make him a helper fit for him." Okay, side note right here, when scripture uses this word "helper" this is the greek word "paraclete" which means "advocate" or "helper" and in scripture is most commonly referred to as the Holy Spirit. Now that that's cleared up, God causes a deep sleep to the man and creates the woman from his rib, God says they are to become one flesh. Okay so God created man, but man was not good to be alone, so then he created woman. And they were to become one flesh. Man and woman. They were good together. Then they were to go and be fruitful and multiply the earth (Genesis 1:28). So the book explains that the man and woman did not need children to complete their relationship. They became one flesh just the two of them. There is no mention of God creating man, woman, and child as a necessity for each other. Children are a result of man and woman's relationship, but are not essential for the health of that relationship. I know that may sounds harsh as a mother of 6, but it allows me to see my children as a blessing, and my husband as God intended him to be. We have to remember that when it comes to our relationships, first it's God, next is our spouse, and then our children. Our children cannot become more important than the relationship with our spouse or God.
So in the beginning of our marriage, Jake and I decided early on, that we would put each other above our children. And obviously, there are seasons where the children are much needier than your relationship with your spouse. I mean when you have a newborn and FOUR other kids to take care of, things can get a little crazy. In the days when Isabella was a newborn, I legitimately felt like a crazy person at times because all I did was feed kids, wipe booties, sweep the floor 800 times, 2 loads of laundry a day, all while looking like a hot mess because where exactly does a shower fit in that scenario? BUT it was in seasons like these that we made time for each other. Whether it was being intentional with each other on the couch when everyone was sleeping and talking about our day, or calling a sitter, getting out of the house and letting someone else do bedtime (HALLELUJAH). These moments with my husband are like a recharge. When I feel like I'm overwhelmed with the mom duties, I know that I need to spend some quality time with my husband. I need to talk to an adult who doesn't call me "Mom" 198374 times a day. I need to hear his heart and dream and talk about life over a big plate of cheese fries.
So rewind to last week...I am starting to itch for a getaway. I needed a trip with my husband for my sanity. I was up to my eye balls in laundry, tired of making breakfast, lunch and dinner, tired of the routine and just needed some time to not be needed. Is anyone relating to this?? So I just started talking to God about how nice a little 2 day get away would be. And then Jake calls and says we were invited to go on a weekend trip with our friends for his birthday. THANK YOU JESUS. So I called superwoman, AKA my momma, and asked her to take the kids for the weekend, to which she replied "Of course!" (I'm telling you she gets jewels on her crown in heaven every time she babysits). I'm totally going to be that kind of grandmother for my kids.
This trip was so necessary. I needed quality time with my husband. I needed time with other adults. I need to be able to sleep without an alarm clock. I needed to be able to have rich conversations with people I love into all hours of the night. I needed to eat great food (without kids trying to steal every bite) and drink good drinks. And honestly as I was on that trip, I couldn't help but think about how much parents need to do this. I have always been the advocate for time with your husband ESPECIALLY when you have little kids. I think if you don't make time for each other when your kids are little, before you know it, they'll be out of the house and you're looking at this stranger like, "who are you?" I've seen it happen so often. Parents become "empty nesters" and then don't even know who their spouse is because they've spent the last 18+ years focusing solely on their kids. DON'T WAIT TO DATE your spouse until your kids are a little older, out of the house, your finances are better, or you have more time on your hands, (insert any other excuse you can think of).
So if you are a momma that is exhausted by their season, loving that season, but just a bit exhausted, maybe you could use a little get away with your husband too? It is so good for the soul, that I can promise. I can also promise you, going away and spending time with my husband makes me a better mother. And maybe you can't swing going overnight, but maybe it looks like even taking a vacation day from work to spend the day together. Intentionality goes such a long way. If you are a wife reading this, your husband wants to feel loved and made to be a priority. If you are a husband reading this, your wife wants to feel loved and made to be a priority. It goes both ways, sometimes it just takes one of you taking the initiative to make the plans.
Here are some of my favorite ways to be intentional with Jake:
My kids are all fairly young and don't necessarily always eat what I cook. I typically make the kids a dinner around 5:30 and then once all the kids are in bed, I make dinner for Jake and me. Sometimes its the same dinner just eaten at a different time, or sometimes it’s something special just for the two of us. It’s like a daily date night. We settle in on the couch, get cozy with our dinner and watch our favorite show or a movie. I SO look forward to this time with him. And some nights instead of me cooking when Jake knows I'm too exhausted to cook, it looks like ordering food. It's basically a date night minus paying a sitter.
I highly recommend budgeting a sitter a few times a month. I love to get a sitter to come during the "witching hour." Just having one night of not doing dinner and bedtimes can be so refreshing! And then we will go out to eat, see a movie, do coffee and dessert, all the basic date night things.
Weekend trips don't happen as often for us, but even just two nights away can be SO amazing. Our go to place is always New Orleans. There is always new restaurants and new places to see. We've been to Houston, utilizing family that has places for us to stay. And we aren't the type that ever makes a whole lot of plans because we love to just take it easy because our schedules are always so busy.
We've taken trips to Waco, TX to meet up with friends and do the whole Magnolia experience, gone to Johnnyswim concerts, and taken adult trips to Disney (Shh! Don't tell our kids). Dream about it! Save up money and go for it!
The trip we just took was a 2 night trip to St. Francisville. We got an AirBNB, went to cute restaurants that played Zydeco music, hiked trails, and spent time with friends having really amazing conversations.
Time with your spouse doesn't have to be this big grand trip, although those are really fun, it can look like whatever works best for your schedule and your budget. Just spend some time with your spouse talking about what are some things you would love to do to spend time together!
After I lost Lily and I started back to every day life, I realized that my head was full of so many questions. I wanted to know if it was okay to have these questions, does everyone have these questions? How do I answer them? Will answering them even make a difference? I felt like I just needed to know what to do. I needed a lifeline I could call when my head wouldn't stop spinning from the unknown and the pain. I just wanted to sit down and talk with someone who had been through what I had been through. I didn't really have anyone that had been through my exact situation, and you may not either. My attempt for this post is to be a resource to anyone who has felt immense pain and grief through loss. My process has been ongoing for the last 5 years and I don't think I'll really get to an end point, I think I will just continue to get more and more healing until I see my sweet girl again in Heaven.
I will continue to write about my process but I feel like there were a few questions that caused dilemmas for me very soon after we lost Lily.
"How many kids do you have?" This question. This question would catch me so off guard and cause me so much anxiety. The months after losing Lily, I was obviously very raw and vulnerable. My emotions were all over the place. I felt like if I didn't answer truthfully (3 kids, but only 2 living) that I was somehow dishonoring Lily, and that brought on immense guilt. But if I did answer truthfully, I could very well start sobbing hysterically to a complete stranger that was completely unprepared to handle my emotions. If you have lost a child, maybe you've had this same question. It was a question I asked for months...when finally had a sweet friend tell me "Allie, you answer that question however you want to in the moment. If you feel like you can say 3, then say 3, you don't necessarily have to tell your story to a complete stranger. If you feel like you cant, then you do not need to feel any guilt about that." I know this is so incredibly simple, but this brought me so much freedom. I didn't have to have a the same answer for the question, it could change. And I still do that to this day.
"When is it okay to have another baby?" The night we lost Lily in the hospital room, Jake asked me if we would have another baby. I think he wanted to know if my fear of this happening again would keep me from trying for another child. I answered that of course we would. I know that this is a process for some to get to, but for me I knew that we would, I knew God would bless us with more (and he sure did, we had 3 more after Lily). But, this was my concern... I only knew Lily inside of me. I felt her move and kick beginning at 14 weeks. If you've carried a baby in your belly, you KNOW that precious baby, even though you've never met. As crazy as it may sound, when I would think about being pregnant again, I would imagine Lily inside of me. I wanted to make sure that whenever we did get pregnant that I had enough healing to distinguish between the two pregnancies. I didn't want to replace her, Lily was her own person. I wanted to love this whole new person for who they were, not to fill a void that was in my heart. As I write it out, I'm not even sure if that makes sense, but that was a real struggle of mine. And of course I can't answer that for anyone else but all I know is that for me, I needed to reconcile in my head that it would be a brand new human growing inside of me. Not another Lily, not a baby to replace her, not a do over from tragedy, but only the beautiful experience of creating a new life.
"Is it okay to be happy?" I am beyond thankful I had two little girls to come home to after Lily, I know my healing process would have been so different if it were not for their beautiful faces that got me up every morning. But let me tell you, weeks after her death, I found myself shutting down laughter, smiling, or any sort of fun. I felt like I couldn't be happy because I was supposed to be sad. And YES it is so incredibly sad, BUT, it's okay to be happy. Guilt would rush in again. Let me just say, the guilt is not from God. The guilt is from the enemy that just wanted to keep me in a pit of sadness and never get out. Let me say it again, it is OKAY to be happy. You will need it. You will need laughter and smiles to heal your broken heart. And you are not forgetting your child by partaking in the those emotions. You also don't have to force yourself into it. Just listen to your emotions and know that you are entitled to feel every emotion under the sun, and I'm most certain you will feel them all, from anger to joy. Don't rush them away, allow them in. Remember its a process and give yourself so much grace.
Find time to journal, process your feelings one emotion at a time. When you can't even muster up the energy to write or pray, listen to music. Take time to yourself, but don't isolate. Allow your people in to your brokenness. Sit and listen to The Father. Give yourself time to heal, this will not be a speedy process. You must open up, do not stay inside your head because that can be such a dangerous place. Know that you will not grieve the same as everyone else, and that is 100% okay. And please know, you are not alone in this.
The book that I recommend to every single person that reaches out to me when they or someone they know has lost a child is Holding Onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It's the only book that didn't make me angry. This book was a game changer for me. If you struggling with grief, I highly recommend it.
Listening to worship was pretty much all I could do for weeks. I didn't have the energy for much else. Maybe a journal entry here or there or a simple devotion. But worship was the place I could bring my heart to Jesus and give whatever I felt in the moment to Him. I knew that if I did nothing, I would be in a dangerous place. And everyone is so different and will have their own process, I share mine in hopes it can encourage just one.
Here are some scriptures that brought me so much comfort in early stages...
"I will fight for you, you need only be still" Exodus 14:14
"but the Lord was my support, he brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me" Psalm 18:18-19
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away" Revelation 21:4
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds" Psalm147:3
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 42:40
"Can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me." Isaiah 49:15-16
There are so many more verses that could be listed (just google it, you'll find what you need), but these were the ones, that as I read, they leapt off the page and spoke straight to my heart. I may not have always felt them to be true in the moment but I can see after five years have passed that these scriptures I clung to as air for my lungs, have come to be. He is fighting for me. He is healing my wounds, He has never forgotten me, and He is somehow working it all together for my good. And His word will never ever return void.